Monday, April 26, 2010

170...

So life is well, life. Nothing amazing has truly been going on. I decided that I'm truly just not emotionally or mentally equipped for a relationship at the moment. I also decided that I won't have the free time available come August 2nd, to deal with a relationship, especially a potentially long distance one! So I slammed on the brakes, yet again.

I went to Phoenix for my birthday, and I had a great time. Every time I go there, I feel like my soul is free. I've decided too, that when I finish my masters degree, I may try to make a serious attempt to move there. Instead, this time, I'll be looking for jobs for a WHILE before I think about moving there. I will try to set up interviews, and fly out there for those interviews, and fly back home after them (unless I set up multiple interviews in the same week). Anyhow...that's currently my plan as far as that goes.

Life is going pretty well aside from that. I gained a little weight back over the last couple of weeks where I fell off the weight loss wagon. The start was Easter. I had issues getting back into the swing of the diet, but I got back to it today, and I hope to power through it until Thanksgiving. I have about 40 pounds to lose before I will start to incorporate more sugar and flour back into my diet (natural sugars, like honey and 100% natural maple syrup).

I think my ideal goal is about 170. I had set it as 155 on Sparkpeople.com because that's what the BMI charts say that I should weigh. But when people I know state their weight and I think they look fine the way they are, I have issues imagining myself down at those weights, because I'm about 5'8" and I've been overweight my whole life. My main goal right now, is to get as close to 200 before August as I can for a couple of reasons. #1: I'll be starting my masters, so it might be hard to adhere to my diet 100% of the time, but I'll try to! #2: I'll be able to see my doctor at CSUF again. The last time I saw her, I weighed around 272 (the highest I've ever been), and I want to be able to show her the progress I've made (I'm proud of the 30 pounds I've already lost, but I want it to be more than that!). I also want to have blood tests to check my cholesterol and blood sugar...and get my blood pressure checked on a regular basis again. I look forward to using the health center. They also have nutritionists I could take advantage of, too!

So life is pretty good...minus the migraines. :(

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Adventures in Facebookland

I haven't been updating this as much since I'm on Facebook all of the time. If you have a Facebook account, please add me to keep up to date with the most recent things that happen in my life. If you don't know my full name, just search for "zerowing" which is my username on the site (and my roller derby name).

As for what has been going on in my life, here's the cliffnotes:
-I'm going to Phoenix for my birthday. I leave on Thursday night (the 8th) and return on Monday morning (the 12th)
-I'm presently trying to find a new or second job so I can get my own apartment.
-I've officially lost a total of 34 pounds, and my present weight is 238. It's the lowest I've been since October 2008. I'm still working on losing more, but I'm at about a third of my weight loss.

*****

I feel like I've been spending a lot of time learning things about myself and things about life in general.

My old mentality when it came to potential suitors was: "two years younger than me is too young or five years older than me or more is too old."
My new mentality is basically that "Age is just a number, except when the age is much younger than you." In truth, this all stemmed from less than favorable interactions with males via the internet and text message/phone calls, who have been my age or younger than me. So the new mindset has become: "My age is too young, but more than 10 years is too old."

I was starting to get stressed out. The main reason these interactions have been unfavorable is that these guys want to discuss intimate details, or they would constantly text me messages like "I wish I could hold you right now." One guy went so far as to send a completely unrequested picture of his bare butt via text!! It hit a point where the arms in my brain flung into the air as my brain exclaimed to the sky, "FORGET THIS, IT'S TOO RIDICULOUS!"

I was already in a mindset that relationships were just not for me at the moment unless the absolute right guy came along. But it seems like it just became nothing but a line up of "absolutely wrong guys." It started becoming embarrassing that the only guys out there in the world that seemed to be interested in me were only interested in me because they thought I was "that girl" that was into talking about intimate details all of the time.

I'm a lady, after all. I'm not going to pretend that I don't pass gas or belch, or that I don't have some slightly manly mannerisms. No, I'm not going to lie. I do these things. But I also know how to stop talking about things when it's not people's business. I know how to keep certain aspects of my life secret to only me and a select few. Sure, I can sling crappy jokes around like guys, but at the same time, I know how to be proper when the time calls for it.

So I was coming to a screeching halt, yet again. But I determined that admitting to crushes was purely okay and innocent, especially if I know that the guy is a nice guy and won't attempt to take advantage of me or the situation. I referred to my current mindset as "putting on the emergency brake."

And it seems like the moment I came to this conclusion...my good friends Kim and Aurora introduced me to a friend of theirs online, Mike. I didn't really think much of it, except that they said we seem to have a bit in common with our pop-culture references all of the time on Facebook. I admitted to developing a crush on Mike via my LiveJournal account. I wrote Mike a message just so that we could get to know each other a little better as friends not on the main pages of Facebook for everyone else to read. He discovered that I had a LiveJournal account, and so we added each other. Mike then read that I had a crush on him. At first I thought about hiding that entry so he couldn't read it, but I thought to myself "Meh, what is it going to hurt? It's just a simple crush! No biggie!"

*gulp* I thought to myself as he was potentially reading that entry and feeling judgmental. After all, this is a man. A man who is 38 years old.

He wrote back to me in one of the messages on Facebook saying,

"I've had a crush on you for a while (and still do, of course), but I didn't say anything because I wasn't sure if you felt the same way. And now I know."

It's pretty cool to find out that your crush crushes you. And the good kind of crush, not the "HULK SMASH!" kind of crush!