Thursday, July 15, 2010

Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have

There are many habits that I guess I could list here, most of which would be physical things. Like not biting off fingernails that break, instead wait to get the clippers. Or how about picking at scabs or hangnails when I'm nervous or bored? Or even trying to be more organized- sure, I'm plenty organized, but sometimes I let my room get out of control, especially when I'm busy- and that's a bad habit!

But the main habit I want to get rid of is my negative feelings and doubting my self-worth. There are so many times that I will get started on a path to feeling better about myself, and about my goals in life, but then I will start in with a defeatist attitude. There are so many things I could have had accomplished by now, if the negative part of my brain would have just stayed out of the picture. My self-esteem is often lacking, too. I know that when I'm feeling depressed, I feel like I don't deserve to feel special and happy, and that I can't attain my goals. A lot of my goals get ditched because I don't know how to keep that part of me quiet.

I go through a sort of "roller coaster" in my feelings of thinking I deserve great things, and then thinking that I'm no one amazing and that I don't deserve much special. I probably need counseling for this, but being that I lack health insurance, I kind of don't get to do that (I'll be taking advantage of CSU-Fresno's mental health services when I return to classes though).

I'm trying to push myself to think that I deserve great things though, but it takes a lot of work to stay in that mindset. I try to stay focused on my ultimate goals (getting my masters, getting an awesome job in a different state, see the country, see the world, etc), and that keeps me moving in the right direction.

But when that moment of hopelessness pops up out of the blue...maybe it's getting hit with another financial woe, or car issue... It spirals it all back down again.

I wish I could ditch this habit for good!

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